Modern Conveniences, Part 2

My newest gadget to give me trouble is my new LG Chocolate phone which, in addition to being a phone, also has a 1.3 megapixel camera and plays MP3s(music for you non technical people). The phone requires a special cable and CD which Verizon sells separately from the phone. Of course, Murphy's Law has struck again and they did not have the music pack when I got the phone.

I went back earlier this week and bought the music pack and rushed home to connect the phone to my computer and download music to it. It didn't work. I tried installing the driver several times, but my computer and phone were still not speaking to each other. Apparently Verizon should have included an asterisk on the advertisement for the Chocolate phone that mentioned that this phone is cranky and "does not play well with others." Other than that, the phone has been great. I never thought I would see the day when I would get a phone and be mad because it only worked as a phone.

Today I exchanged the music pack for a new one, hoping that it was an issue with the cable or the CD. The new hardware did not fare any better. So I called Verizon's tech support and was connected with a technician who spoke English. He couldn't figure out my problem either and transferred me to Microsoft's tech support, who immediately put me on hold . . . . . . . . . and I was disconnected.

I called Microsoft back and spoke with a man who was obviously speaking English as a second language. It took 6 minutes for him to get my name, ZIP code, and phone nuimber. Now I am on hold again. It is going to be a long evening.

Modern Conveniences

I have a new respect for all of our modern conveniences after today. We take for granted the impact that cell phones, computers, the internet, and air conditioners have on our lives. When I can't find my wife in the mall (I'm usually hungry and want to go home lest I waste money on a nasty meal in the food court), I simply pull out my cell phone and call her.

"Honey, where are you?"

"Shoe Carnival is having a great sale on shoes." (i.e. "I could be here a few hours")

"OK, just let me know when you are ready. Love you."

"Love you, too."

So then I spend the next hour or so wandering around the mall pondering how much simpler it was the call her than to hunt for her all afternoon while she is hunkered down in the back of the shoe store trying to find just the right shoe to go with that new blue suit she bought for work. Of course, the end result is the same- I am still roaming around, starving to death. For the fifth time I slip into Williams and Sonoma and grab a few bread squares and soak them in the gourmet olive oil they provide as free samples; by now the clerks recognize me as a "sample scavenger" and glare at me until I retreat back out of the store.

Today I was really struck with how pitiful our society would be if we were stripped of our technologies. At least, if everyone is as "soft" as I am. Having grown up in Maine, I should be used to temperature extremes, right? Well now I am a wimpy, heat pump and AC-dependant Southerner. After I returned home from work this morning and found the air conditioner not working (inside temp was 88), I did my best to fix it.

For me, fixing an air conditioner is somewhat like working on a car. I simply look at the unit (or open the hood) and stare at it with a thoughtful look, pretending I am pondering the complex systems that work together to run the unit. Since I was home alone I didn't have to pretend I knew anything so I just turned it off and left it for a few hours in case it had "frozen up."

After that, I did what anyone would do- as little as I could. I played computer games, read a book and blogged. Yes, today I actually broke a sweat while blogging. I had a choice between hot and stuffy inside or hot and humid outside. I even considered taking my computer in to work and sitting around in the AC all day.

Well, this story ends well. After the unit had been off for 4-5 hours,I turned it back on around 4:00 and it worked wonderfully. The temperature was down from 88 to 85 by the time Sarah got home and down to 75 by the time we got back from church tonight.

Tomorrow I plan to do nothing as well, but I'll do it much more comfortably.

Another week flies by

Well, as I mentioned in my last blog, I have 31 new books to read so I haven't had much time for blogging. Since the book sale I have read two books, including one that I didn't even buy at the book sale.

My mother sent me a copy of the book Marley and Me which is a journalist's commentary on his life with a Labrador retriever that suffered from a serious case of ADHD. He described Marley as having "the attention span of algae and the volatility of nitroglycerin." Having had retrievers myself (although goldens are much more sophisticated and intelligent than labs) I can completely relate to his stories. Carina is sweet and well behaved but still has the same "triple espresso exuberance" that described Marley. The only downside to the book was the ending which dealt with Marley's failing health and eventual death, but it was still a very entertaining read.

I also read Deception Point by Dan Brown, author of The Da Vinci Code. It was a very intriuging story about a grand scale government cover-up.It was good but reminded me a lot of The Da Vinci Code, minus the heresy.

Other than reading, I have done a little bit of work around the house and I got to spend a lot of time with my in-laws (for me that is a good thing). They spent most of last week with us before heading back to Italy on Monday. We went to a Greenville Drive game on Tuesday and watch the home team get creamed; their only run was on a bases-loaded walk.

I guess the highlight of the week was Saturday morning's fantasy football draft. A group of guys (and one woman) from my church sat around a table for three hours on Saturday morning as we each plotted and schemed each other's demise. I've been playing fantasy football for three years now and this is the first time I've been in a league with a live draft; it was a blast. Afterwards I came home and cleaned off a place on my desk for the trophy to sit when I bring it home at the end of the season.

So that's my week in a nutshell (or actually a blog entry; I don't know what nutshells have to do with anything).

The Greenville Book Party

Boston Tea Party move over. America has a new favorite riot, or at least we do here in South Carolina. This past Saturday I joined a crowd of about 10,000 and picketed outside McCalister Square-a former shopping mall turned into an educational complex. It was a peaceful gathering at first, but at 8:30AM the crown acted as one and charged the building, overwhelming the staff and causing utter mayhem. I escaped after an hour with my loot but the chaos ruled for several more hours as the staff vainly attempted to keep the tables stocked with books. Books?!?

Saturday was the annual "Very Good, Very Big, Very Cheap Book Sale" here in Greenville. 116,000 used books were donated over the last year to the Greenville Literacy Association and they sell them all (or as many as possible in one day), setting them up in boxes in tables throughout the complex. We got in line about a minute before they opened the doors and began the mad dash for the best bargains. Within 10 minutes I had said "oops, sorry" or some form of apology for bumping into people so many times that I began to pretend I didn't notice.

Last year we came to the sale empty handed, not anticipating how many good books there were for such low prices. By the end of the sale, I was balancing about 20 books while trying to pick out other ones. This time we brought our Extra Large L.L. Bean Canvas Tote Bag and stuffed it full of books (my shoulder surgery is scheduled for Tuesday).

After an hour we left with 31 books (cost: $41) including a biography on Thomas Jefferson, gardening books, a detailed atlas of Britain (Scotland is our planned destination for vacation next year), and finally a large collection of novels. Most of them were obtained peacefully but I did have to beat an old lady over the head with Sarah's copy of The Book of Virtues ($3) in order to get the last copy of Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil($2).

(Author's Note: Picture above not actually taken at the book sale. If you didn't know that already. . .)

Chocolate in the News

There are three things in life that you can count on: death, taxes, and the appearances of likenesses of Mary. There used to be four, with the fourth being that the Red Sox would never again win the World Series, but we all know how that changed. The remaining three are dependable enough that you can bet your retirement on them. There have only been 2 known instances of people escaping death completely (Elijah, Enoch) and while it is common for people to escape taxes, their oversight usually doesn't take too long to catch up to them; ask Al Capone; actually don't ask him, that would be creepy. So essentially, these things are much more predictable and dependable than other such things like friends, relatives, the stock market, gas prices (although gas prices have been very predictable lately), and Elizabeth Taylor's marriages.

As for the likenesses of Mary, hundreds of instances can be found; at least one a year in modern times. She has been seen on the side of the New England Aquarium in Boston, on a tree in Lubbock, Texas, and in a weeping statue in Akita, Japan. This year's version can be found in Fountain Valley, California. A worker at the Bodega Gourmet Chocolates bakery found a piece of chocolate of the floor that had formed into a shape similar to that of the most popular pose seen of Mary. My personal favorite take on the story is The Palm Beach Post's article "The Immaculate Confection" which also compares the chocolate to a statue of a falcon, a rapper, and Darth Vader.

I guess the popularity of this news story can be contributed more to its competition than its own merit. The normal American who does not want to increase their dose of Welbutrin would much rather hear about chocolate on the news than about rising gas prices, more Ford layoffs, and anything having to do with Paris Hilton or Britney Spears. Not to mention the wars in the Middle East.

Another tasty chocolate tidbit in the news now is the story of a 21 year-old Wisconsin man who worked at a factory producing chocolate and accidentally slipped into a vat of 110 degree chocolate and was not able to be extracted until the chocolate was thinned out with cocoa butter. (I would like to see the redneck that they interviewed after that . . .) He is reported to be doing fine, although some reports say that his dating life has improved and he has had to beat women off with a stick since the incident.

In unrelated news, thousands of geeky computer technicians have been jumping into vats of chocolate . . .

Saturday

Although technically I should have two out of every three Saturdays off, it seems that Sarah and I never have a day off together. Today I got home at 8:15 and we were able to spend the whole day together.

Sarah spent the morning (and part of last night) painting the main bathroom. Up until now it had only been primer. I rehung the mirror this evening and finally hung the lighthouse picture that Lianna painted. The African picture that she painted is now hanging in our bedroom along with the other African pictures (which are of a lesser quality).


We also hung some pictures in the dining room as well as some decorative bowls that were given to us as a wedding gift.

This afternoon and evening I spent several hours making tiramisu from a recipe book that Sarah has called "Chocolate: Cooking with the World's Best Ingredient." It is very rich but very good; Sarah didn't like it because of the strong coffee taste.

Who picks them?

Have you ever noticed while watching the news that when the reporters interview bystanders, they always pick the most backwards, inbred, redneck, buck-toothed goober that they can find? I'm not talking about just the local news here in South Carolina either. Even national chains like CNN seem to be able to find just the right person to interview. Apparently clean cut, well dressed and intelligent people never witness anything.

If a meteor fell on Cape Cod, the news people would show up on the scene and somehow they would find the one guy on the Cape named "Bubba" and hook him up to the microphone. Not only is that person's appearance very distracting, but their speech pattern usually merits using subtitles in order to understand the story. "Well, I was just sittin here on dis here banch cause I was waitin for the bus. See, I lost my driver's license back in November, no October-it was before the NASCAR season and I didn't get to go to Dover to the race cause I couldn't drive, not legally anyways. So I was sittin here and all of a sudden I saw this bright flash in the sky and heard this loud crash and I got dirt sprayed all over me- it was like the time we were out muddun in my new Chevrolet truck and we got stuck, that happened a lot in the Chevrolet, and my cousin spun the tires while I was fixin to push on the tailgate and I ended up eatin a lot of dirt. . . . . . . . . . . . ."

My theory is that it is a secret competition between reporters to find the worst possible "interviewee" and at the annual "Reporters Awards" they have an prize for "Most Incomprehensible Interview." I hear it's a tight race this year between "Cooter" in Topeka talking about the 5 car pile up and "Billy-Bob" in Birmingham describing exactly what happened after he said "Hey y'all, watch this!"

In hindsight, I am really glad that I have never been asked to give a statement. I must not fit their profile.

Nuestro Himno "Our Anthem"

Apparently I hear about popular controversies a little late. The newest dispute that I am reading about is the singing (and recording) of "The Star Spangled Banner" in Spanish. The translation is called "Nuestro Himno." A group of Hispanic singers recorded a Spanish version of our national anthem. Since I just heard about this, I am still formulating an opinion.

I am not against immigration at all. The founders of our country were themselves European immigrants; with the exception of the Native Americans, we are all of immigrant descent. Were it not for the massive influx of immigrants at the end of the 19th Century and the beginning of the 20th Century, our country would not have had the manpower to face the threat of World War II; most of Europe would now be speaking German and saluting the swastika, Hawaii would be part of Japan, and if the west coast was still part of America, it would be under constant attack from Japan.

We probably cannot imagine how different our country would be if we had shut down our borders 100 years ago. How will we look back on this time in 100 years? Will we say "the Hispanic immigration wasn't that bad" or will it be "nosotros suyo entuerto (we were wrong)."

The problem with the immigrants, or "displaced foreigners," is specifically those that are here illegally. That is a slap in the face to the millions of Hispanics that have gone through the trouble of moving to the U.S. legally. They (the illegal immigrants) do not pay taxes, but they expect medical care (which EMS services and emergency rooms cannot refuse them); many of them refuse to learn English and our government agencies and hospital must provide translators to them at no cost.

Now there is a push to change America's official language to both English and Spanish (currently there is no official language, although 83% of us speak English) to facilitate the assimilation of Hispanic immigrants into our culture. Unfortunately this will only cripple the careers of the Hispanic children growing up in America. While managers of fast food restaurants, construction companies, landscaping companies and gas stations may learn Spanish in order to increase their pool of applicants, no large corporations are going to require their employees to learn Spanish in order to communicate with their new coworkers. Talk about a glass ceiling! Many feminist groups in America complain about women hitting a "glass ceiling" in their careers; at least we can understand what American women are saying (although sometimes I doubt that as well). It would be a great disservice to the Hispanic children here in America to not force them to learn English while they are still young.

How "Nuestro Himno" fits into this, I don't know. Maybe it is just a way to establish patriotism among the Hispanic Americans. Maybe it's a strategy to desensitize us to translating everything American into Spanish (as if bilingual signs in Home Depot aren't enough to do that). Maybe it is as simple as some musicians who wanted to make some money selling albums to the 30 million Hispanics in America.

Maybe I should be more worried that our country has forgotten verses 2-4 of "The Star Spangled Banner." The text of the fourth verse is:

O thus be it ever when free-men shall stand
Between their lov'd home and the war's desolation;
Blest with vict'ry and peace, may the heav'n-rescued land
Praise the Pow'r that hath made and preserv'd us a nation!
Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just,
And this be our motto: “In God is our trust!”
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!


Maybe I should be worried about the changes I'm seeing. Maybe I should quit procrastinating and go back outside and finish my yard work. Yea, that's what I'll do.

Project #154,325:Complete

How to get out of Iraq; Fun with France

Tonight there was a headline on Yahoo News that said "U.S., France working on two-phase UN Mideast plan." The first phase is the U.S. moving troops in and engaging the enemy, ending conflict and bringing (relative) peace; we are good at that. Phase two is removal of the troops, "strategic redistribution," organized by the French, who are very adept at that particular military strategy.

-Robert Wales

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France." —Jay Leno

"Army personnel in Kuwait unloaded a dozen faulty tanks that only go in reverse. Tanks that only go in reverse — they've been repackaged and sold to France." —Craig Kilborn

"According to the Pentagon today, secret surrender negotiations are now underway with key Iraqi military officials. That's what the Pentagon said: We're in secret negotiations, so for God sakes, don't tell anyone. ... What we're doing basically is giving these key Iraqi military officials instructions on how to surrender. See, this is where we could have used the French." —Jay Leno


"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
--- General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."

--Norman Schwartzkopf


"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
---Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
---Rush Limbaugh

Q: Why did the French celebrate their World Cup Championship in 2000 so wildly?
A: It was their first time they won anything without the help of the U.S.