Chocolate in the News

There are three things in life that you can count on: death, taxes, and the appearances of likenesses of Mary. There used to be four, with the fourth being that the Red Sox would never again win the World Series, but we all know how that changed. The remaining three are dependable enough that you can bet your retirement on them. There have only been 2 known instances of people escaping death completely (Elijah, Enoch) and while it is common for people to escape taxes, their oversight usually doesn't take too long to catch up to them; ask Al Capone; actually don't ask him, that would be creepy. So essentially, these things are much more predictable and dependable than other such things like friends, relatives, the stock market, gas prices (although gas prices have been very predictable lately), and Elizabeth Taylor's marriages.

As for the likenesses of Mary, hundreds of instances can be found; at least one a year in modern times. She has been seen on the side of the New England Aquarium in Boston, on a tree in Lubbock, Texas, and in a weeping statue in Akita, Japan. This year's version can be found in Fountain Valley, California. A worker at the Bodega Gourmet Chocolates bakery found a piece of chocolate of the floor that had formed into a shape similar to that of the most popular pose seen of Mary. My personal favorite take on the story is The Palm Beach Post's article "The Immaculate Confection" which also compares the chocolate to a statue of a falcon, a rapper, and Darth Vader.

I guess the popularity of this news story can be contributed more to its competition than its own merit. The normal American who does not want to increase their dose of Welbutrin would much rather hear about chocolate on the news than about rising gas prices, more Ford layoffs, and anything having to do with Paris Hilton or Britney Spears. Not to mention the wars in the Middle East.

Another tasty chocolate tidbit in the news now is the story of a 21 year-old Wisconsin man who worked at a factory producing chocolate and accidentally slipped into a vat of 110 degree chocolate and was not able to be extracted until the chocolate was thinned out with cocoa butter. (I would like to see the redneck that they interviewed after that . . .) He is reported to be doing fine, although some reports say that his dating life has improved and he has had to beat women off with a stick since the incident.

In unrelated news, thousands of geeky computer technicians have been jumping into vats of chocolate . . .