Happy Conspiracy Month!

Whoa! A post! Don't pass out or anything.

I have a very serious matter that I need to bring up. Since the assassination of JFK our country has been obssessed with conspiracy theories and rumors of what "really happened." The Discovery Channel has been running a show recently on Area 51. It's an hour long and shows various camera shots from outside the super secret base while they basically say "We have no clue what went on in here" (past tense is intentional; the actual Area 51 facility has been shut down and moved into a less accessable, more remote part of Nevada. Or so they say . . .).

There is a conspiracy afoot to undermine the very foundations of our country and I have discovered it and am about to expose it. The conspiracy is disguised under the very innocent sounding title of "Caffeine Awareness Month." Don't be fooled by the innocuous sounding name (Matt, here is a link you may need to check out), it is hiding a very sinister plot.

Instead of celebrating the many billions of extra hours that Americans have worked only through the liberal use of caffeine, this is an attempt to defame the much beloved chemical component in most of our country's favorite drinks. The perpetrator is the Caffeine Awareness Alliance(CAA), whose mission is to "To raise public awareness, to provide advocacy and education, to publish and to advance research on behalf of those affected by this ubiquitous drug." (Again, Matt, click here) Their website attacks caffeine as "dangerous" and "addicting" and compares it to drugs like cocaine and meth.

Let's look at caffeine. In its pure form (Oh, that they would sell it like that!) it is a white crystalline powder. It was first discovered in coffee in 1820. Its chemical formula is C8H10N4O2 which tells us that it contains two atoms of oxygen, which is good for you. It works by blocking a chemical called adenosine in your brain; adenosine slows down your heart rate, nerve impulses, and causes drowsiness. High doses of adenosine will immediately stop a heart; do you really want adenosine working in your brain?

Americans drink over 450,000,000 cups of coffee a day. Without that extra boost of adenosine-fighting power, what would happen to our country's work force? To our national security?

Without caffeine you would have no paramedics, police officers, military (except for pilots-they can't drink it before flying), nurses, or ER doctors. America would literally fall asleep while radical terrorists walked in and took over like our nation was some giant version of Sleeping Beauty's castle (Disney analogies, the curse of having much younger siblings).

Imagine America with no freedoms being led by lethargic puppet zombies being controlled by radicals with their own best interest in mind. Oops, my bad. That's the scenario if Hillary is elected. The "no caffeine" scenario would be pretty bad too.

We must fight back. Grab a Vault in one hand and a triple shot espresso in the other hand and fight back against these unpatriotic Americans. Exercise your rights and enjoy your freedoms while they last.

Starbucks anyone?



"It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity."
Dave Barry