The Encyclopedia of Wierd and Tacky Gifts
We received a new catalog in the mail today called "What on Earth?" The named turned out to be very accurate as that was my most common reaction as I browsed through the catalog tonight. (I would like to enter a disclaimer here: there are one or two items that are not unbearably tacky; so if you have one, don't be offended). I would really like to meet the person who is in charge of their purchasing department. On second thought, no I don't.
First let's address the T-shirts. There are over 100 different designs of T-shirts, most of them with simple text on the front. You know, the ones that force you to stare at someone's chest as you walk by and try to read them only to be disappointed by it not being as funny as it could have been. "I've stopped listening- why haven't you stopped talking?" "Good Morning is an oxymoron." "I never make mistakes. I thought I did once. But I was Mistaken." "dain bramaged." "I'd listen to you but ignoring you is so much easier." Sure, some of the sayings are funny, but remember that your torso (including your shirt) and your face is usually one of the first things people notice about you, right after the long piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe. What are you advertising about yourself?
Maybe you don't care what you are advertising about yourself because you are too excited about the plaque on page 16 that says "Mess with me, you mess with the whole trailer park." Yep, that pretty much tells me what I need to know about this magazine's target market (here I go on target markets again). Why did they send it to me? The only periodicals I receive are Sports Illustrated and Sporting News and I only intentionally receive LL Bean catalogs. Have I done anything to suggest that I would be interested in this stuff? Oh wait . . . I feel better now; it's addressed to Sarah (it's not her style either though).
Would you be interested in a toilet handle shaped like a gear shift? How about a nose hair trimmer shaped like a finger? Or maybe you feel up to a little culinary adventure with the Twinkies Cookbook. Maybe you are dying to have "Walter the Farting Dog" that is "complete with disturbingly realistic sound effects." Ironically, I have a coworker named Walter who has the same problem. Hmmm . . .
There's the Photo-opoly board where you can submit the photos of your life for properties. That would be fine as long as my mother didn't order it for me; I can imagine her choice of pictures.
"You landed on the picture of me riding my bouncy horse in the nude (age 3, by the way); with that hotel on there, it's gonna cost you."
"Let's see, I landed on . . . Oh look, there's me at three in the morning during my 12th birthday party sleepover; I'd like to buy it."
There's also a wallet that looks like it's made out of bacon- in case you forgot to have your morning dose of artery-clogging cholesterol. Any ladies interested in an "embroidered velvet fanny pack"? The "adjustable waist strap extends to 46."
If your garden lacks that certain "something" you can get the "Wizard of Oz Garden Stakes" with Dorothy, the Tin Man, the Lion, and the Scarecrow all on their own stake, ready to be placed in your garden to keep an eye on your flowers. I recommend putting them in with your poppies.
Even though Halloween is over, you should make sure to pick up "The Elvis Impersonation Kit . . . complete with sideburns, sunglasses, a chunky ring, instructions and a karaoke CD." If your family doesn't already hate you enough, this is the gift for you.
This brings me to the piece de resistance. Do
you remember the 1983 classic "A Christmas Story"? Remember the part where the father wins a mail-in prize? It arrives in a crate and, to the horror of his wife, he eagerly displays it in his front window for all the neighbors to see. That's right! You can have your own "Leg Lamp" for the low, low price of $199.00. You may think that this is a waste of money. "That money could have been spent on much wiser purchases," you say. Well, at least we know that anyone who would buy one of these would not have spent that money on anything wiser had they withstood the temptation to purchase this fine piece of home decor.
I could go on and on, but I think you've got the idea.
Plus, I need to go. I have three T-shirts that I have to buy. They fit me . . . to a "T."
"Just be happy I'm not a twin."
"I'm not speeding, I'm qualifying."
"Just another sexy bald guy."
First let's address the T-shirts. There are over 100 different designs of T-shirts, most of them with simple text on the front. You know, the ones that force you to stare at someone's chest as you walk by and try to read them only to be disappointed by it not being as funny as it could have been. "I've stopped listening- why haven't you stopped talking?" "Good Morning is an oxymoron." "I never make mistakes. I thought I did once. But I was Mistaken." "dain bramaged." "I'd listen to you but ignoring you is so much easier." Sure, some of the sayings are funny, but remember that your torso (including your shirt) and your face is usually one of the first things people notice about you, right after the long piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe. What are you advertising about yourself?
Maybe you don't care what you are advertising about yourself because you are too excited about the plaque on page 16 that says "Mess with me, you mess with the whole trailer park." Yep, that pretty much tells me what I need to know about this magazine's target market (here I go on target markets again). Why did they send it to me? The only periodicals I receive are Sports Illustrated and Sporting News and I only intentionally receive LL Bean catalogs. Have I done anything to suggest that I would be interested in this stuff? Oh wait . . . I feel better now; it's addressed to Sarah (it's not her style either though).
Would you be interested in a toilet handle shaped like a gear shift? How about a nose hair trimmer shaped like a finger? Or maybe you feel up to a little culinary adventure with the Twinkies Cookbook. Maybe you are dying to have "Walter the Farting Dog" that is "complete with disturbingly realistic sound effects." Ironically, I have a coworker named Walter who has the same problem. Hmmm . . .
There's the Photo-opoly board where you can submit the photos of your life for properties. That would be fine as long as my mother didn't order it for me; I can imagine her choice of pictures.
"You landed on the picture of me riding my bouncy horse in the nude (age 3, by the way); with that hotel on there, it's gonna cost you."
"Let's see, I landed on . . . Oh look, there's me at three in the morning during my 12th birthday party sleepover; I'd like to buy it."
There's also a wallet that looks like it's made out of bacon- in case you forgot to have your morning dose of artery-clogging cholesterol. Any ladies interested in an "embroidered velvet fanny pack"? The "adjustable waist strap extends to 46."
If your garden lacks that certain "something" you can get the "Wizard of Oz Garden Stakes" with Dorothy, the Tin Man, the Lion, and the Scarecrow all on their own stake, ready to be placed in your garden to keep an eye on your flowers. I recommend putting them in with your poppies.
Even though Halloween is over, you should make sure to pick up "The Elvis Impersonation Kit . . . complete with sideburns, sunglasses, a chunky ring, instructions and a karaoke CD." If your family doesn't already hate you enough, this is the gift for you.
This brings me to the piece de resistance. Do
you remember the 1983 classic "A Christmas Story"? Remember the part where the father wins a mail-in prize? It arrives in a crate and, to the horror of his wife, he eagerly displays it in his front window for all the neighbors to see. That's right! You can have your own "Leg Lamp" for the low, low price of $199.00. You may think that this is a waste of money. "That money could have been spent on much wiser purchases," you say. Well, at least we know that anyone who would buy one of these would not have spent that money on anything wiser had they withstood the temptation to purchase this fine piece of home decor. I could go on and on, but I think you've got the idea.
Plus, I need to go. I have three T-shirts that I have to buy. They fit me . . . to a "T."
"Just be happy I'm not a twin."
"I'm not speeding, I'm qualifying."
"Just another sexy bald guy."
posted by Bobby Wales at
8:45 PM
4 Comments:
There are SOOOOOOOOOOOO many ways I could comment on this but I think I'll keep it simple.
PHOTOS FOR SALE!
Actually I'm rearranging my day today to look over old pictures because I don't recall the bouncy horse picture. I don't think I'd do that!
bob didn't you tell mom that we are getting her that lamp for Christmas.!!!
P.s i updated my blog today!!!
Words of Wisdom from your mom:
Always save receipts, one never knows when they'll need to return something! :-)
I was doing ok until I read the part about you bouncing on a horse in the nude. I wasn't sure if you meant you were in the nude, or the horse was, but either way the mental image was quite disturbing. Incidentally I recently saw a t-shirt that said "I'm a virgin, but this is an old t-shirt." I thought that was kinda funny...
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