The Encyclopedia of Wierd and Tacky Gifts

We received a new catalog in the mail today called "What on Earth?" The named turned out to be very accurate as that was my most common reaction as I browsed through the catalog tonight. (I would like to enter a disclaimer here: there are one or two items that are not unbearably tacky; so if you have one, don't be offended). I would really like to meet the person who is in charge of their purchasing department. On second thought, no I don't.

First let's address the T-shirts. There are over 100 different designs of T-shirts, most of them with simple text on the front. You know, the ones that force you to stare at someone's chest as you walk by and try to read them only to be disappointed by it not being as funny as it could have been. "I've stopped listening- why haven't you stopped talking?" "Good Morning is an oxymoron." "I never make mistakes. I thought I did once. But I was Mistaken." "dain bramaged." "I'd listen to you but ignoring you is so much easier." Sure, some of the sayings are funny, but remember that your torso (including your shirt) and your face is usually one of the first things people notice about you, right after the long piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe. What are you advertising about yourself?

Maybe you don't care what you are advertising about yourself because you are too excited about the plaque on page 16 that says "Mess with me, you mess with the whole trailer park." Yep, that pretty much tells me what I need to know about this magazine's target market (here I go on target markets again). Why did they send it to me? The only periodicals I receive are Sports Illustrated and Sporting News and I only intentionally receive LL Bean catalogs. Have I done anything to suggest that I would be interested in this stuff? Oh wait . . . I feel better now; it's addressed to Sarah (it's not her style either though).

Would you be interested in a toilet handle shaped like a gear shift? How about a nose hair trimmer shaped like a finger? Or maybe you feel up to a little culinary adventure with the Twinkies Cookbook. Maybe you are dying to have "Walter the Farting Dog" that is "complete with disturbingly realistic sound effects." Ironically, I have a coworker named Walter who has the same problem. Hmmm . . .

There's the Photo-opoly board where you can submit the photos of your life for properties. That would be fine as long as my mother didn't order it for me; I can imagine her choice of pictures.

"You landed on the picture of me riding my bouncy horse in the nude (age 3, by the way); with that hotel on there, it's gonna cost you."

"Let's see, I landed on . . . Oh look, there's me at three in the morning during my 12th birthday party sleepover; I'd like to buy it."

There's also a wallet that looks like it's made out of bacon- in case you forgot to have your morning dose of artery-clogging cholesterol. Any ladies interested in an "embroidered velvet fanny pack"? The "adjustable waist strap extends to 46."

If your garden lacks that certain "something" you can get the "Wizard of Oz Garden Stakes" with Dorothy, the Tin Man, the Lion, and the Scarecrow all on their own stake, ready to be placed in your garden to keep an eye on your flowers. I recommend putting them in with your poppies.

Even though Halloween is over, you should make sure to pick up "The Elvis Impersonation Kit . . . complete with sideburns, sunglasses, a chunky ring, instructions and a karaoke CD." If your family doesn't already hate you enough, this is the gift for you.

This brings me to the piece de resistance. Do you remember the 1983 classic "A Christmas Story"? Remember the part where the father wins a mail-in prize? It arrives in a crate and, to the horror of his wife, he eagerly displays it in his front window for all the neighbors to see. That's right! You can have your own "Leg Lamp" for the low, low price of $199.00. You may think that this is a waste of money. "That money could have been spent on much wiser purchases," you say. Well, at least we know that anyone who would buy one of these would not have spent that money on anything wiser had they withstood the temptation to purchase this fine piece of home decor.

I could go on and on, but I think you've got the idea.

Plus, I need to go. I have three T-shirts that I have to buy. They fit me . . . to a "T."
"Just be happy I'm not a twin."
"I'm not speeding, I'm qualifying."
"Just another sexy bald guy."

Test Day

There are three levels of emergency medical technician (EMT); EMT Basic, EMT-Intermediate, and Paramedic. Each progressive level involves more training, more responsibility, and typically, more pay. At the end of the initial training for each level, the student has to take a two part test designed by the National Registry of EMTs.

The first part of the test is a practical, "hands-on" test in which the student must demonstrate on a real person, in front of an examiner, that they are competent at their level (there are some skills that would be not be demonstrated on a real person because it would be unpleasant; we use manikins for those).

The other part of the test is a written exam, usually administered the day after the practical exam; the student must pass the practicals to take the written exam. It is 150 questions for the EMT Basic and Intermediate and 180 for the Paramedic level.

Recently, I have begun working as an examiner in the practical examinations. This usually involves sitting at a table, watching the students demonstrate their skills, and grading them based on their performance. They have to score a 70% and not commit any of the "critical fails." Overall, it's a good way to standardize the testing to make sure that all of these potential health care providers are prepared to operate a mobile ER with no direct supervision.

The students who are going through the testing process don't share my high regard for the National Registry Exam. This exam rates up pretty high on a person's list of "most nerve-racking moments." It's right behind "#1. When my parachute didn't open at first" and right before "#3. The first time I got pulled over by the police." There is a simple reason for this- in any other field, if you studied hard, received good grades and proved yourself competent during your internship, you would be guaranteed to graduate. Not in EMS.

When I walk into the building in the morning, I pass through the classroom where the students are waiting. The tension is beyond "palpable." The students that have been cutting up in class and joking around for the entire class are dead silent. The class clown's hands are shaking. Every once and a while someone will crack a joke relating to how nervous they are (like "I wish I had brought some more Valium") and some nervous laughter will break out, but it dies down quickly as if they were in a funeral and had just joked about the deceased.

The mention of Valium only makes matters worse as they start thinking about the questions that could be on the test regarding Valium.

"What are the indications for Valium?"
"What are the contrindications for Valium?"
"What is the dose for Valium?"
"What is the PEDIATRIC dose for Valium?"

As the questions start rolling in their head the notes start coming out and the cramming starts again.

After I pass through the classroom I walk into the lobby where the other examiners are gathering. Here the atmosphere is much more relaxed (for some reason). Many of us have worked the night before so the coffee pot is drained as soon as it is filled (the coffee pot in the back of the classroom never gets touched on test day; I wonder why). After a few minutes of waiting we are all assigned to stations and we go make sure everything is set up and ready to roll.

You can tell which students really took Valium and which just joked about it (I only joked about it, by the way). The ones who really did look relaxed but have a harder time with recall; the other ones' hands are shaking and they stutter as they talk.

In October I tested a group of Paramedic students. One of them told me afterwards that I was very intimidating. She said I "stared at her face the whole time." Frankly, I thought men usually got in trouble for not doing that. Oh well.

I really do enjoy being an examiner, even when I have to fail people. It's a good experience for me and it helps to keep me sharp on skills that I don't use every day.

Am I Getting Old?

I was watching the Food Network yesterday afternoon and I was struck with a horrific possibility. I may be getting old. It was bad enough when all of my friends started getting married; surely I wasn't old enough to have friends getting married. Then we started spending time with couples a little older than us who have kids. Now, we hang around couples who are our age and they have one or two kids.

While browsing through the blogs of friends of mine from college, I have noticed that most of them have kids as well. One guy who was in my freshman class has three kids. Something is wrong here- I'm not old enough to have friends with children. Or am I in denial?

Back to the Food Network. The show I was watching had just gone to a commercial break and I noticed that instead of the Dodge, Ford, Chevy, and GMC commercials I am used to while watching ESPN, I was being treated to Fisher Price commercials. I laughed for a second and thought about the target market that these commercials were aimed for. Most likely the majority of people watching cooking shows at 4:00 in the afternoon are stay-at-home moms. I am way too young to be targeted with commercials about children's toys. Right?

I know what you are thinking. Yes, I realize that I am going bald. But that's just genetics, not age. Right?


As a child I always thought of 30 as old. I greet my father (respectfully) with "Hey, old man," to which he usually replies "hey boy." I've called my mother "old lady" on occasion (as long as I was at least an arm's length away). But now I am not that far from 30. Can it be that I am getting old too?

After mulling this over, I have come to a conclusion. I am not old. My receding hairline is premature. My friends are too young to have children. Way too young. Being targeted for Fisher Price commercials was just a matter of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

In all seriousness, my musings over the last few days about this topic have coincided with a posting from my friend Dave; read his post if you get a chance (link here). My elderly patients tell me often "don't get old, there's no future in it" and "time goes by so fast." I keep busy; working at work, working around the house, spending time with Sarah, hanging out with friends. No matter how busy we are, we can always find time for what is important to us. Am I using my time wisely- "Redeeming the time, because the days are evil"? If I had to give an account today for how I used my time, would I be proud of how I spent my free time?

Are you using your time wisely? Are you putting off thinking about life after death because you don't think it will happen anytime soon? I can assure you that we have no guarantee of another day. Death is a reality for all of us. If you have any questions about eternity, don't assume you have 30-40 more years to get them answered.

I actually didn't intend for this to be a serious post, it just happened that way. Maybe you need to think about some of this things- or maybe I just needed to put it down on "paper" to let it sink in to my thick head some more.

News for the Week

1. John Kerry has bought new shoes made out of chocolate. He got sick of eating the old leather ones every time he stuck his foot into his mouth. He made the decision to switch this past week after inadvertantly insulting over 600,000 heavily armed men- the US Marine Corp. Kerry was trying to make the point that education is important when he said "If you don't (make the most out of education), you get stuck in Iraq." Many people, especially Republicans and Marines, interpreted his remark as implying that soldiers are uneducated. The timing of his remark was most unfortunate as he had managed to not say anything stupid since the 2004 elections, which was the last time he made public comments.

2. A Jacksonville, Florida woman finally found something that duct tape is not good for- babysitting. She was arrested for taping her two sons, ages 2 and 3, to each other while she went to work. She is a naval officer who works (worked) at the Jacksonville Naval Air Station. She denied leaving the boys taped together all day. Kids these days. When I was a kid I never would have gotten away with escaping from day care and running home and tying myself and my little brother up with duct tape. I have a few little sisters I would like to try that on though.

3. A Florida (what's up with Florida?) police chief was fired for attempting to encourage his officers to get into shape. He said in a memo that the "jellie bellies" in the department needed to shape up (hey! I am in shape- round is a shape). One officer wrote an anonymous letter of complaint which resulted in the dismissal of the chief. The letter was difficult to read as the letters were made of cutouts from Little Debbie snacks and some of the words were covered with a mysterious creme filling.

4. A group of fat mice at a Washington research facility were able to live longer lives than their other fat rodent counterparts because their diet contained large amounts of red wine. The same study failed when it was run on a group of police officers in Florida; now they are fat and drunk.

5. A Florida 15 year old (something in the water down there?) was arrested after stealing a city bus and driving it along its route and collecting fares. He drove for about 12 miles and collected a few dollars before a suspicious passenger called 911. Police followed the bus for several miles and finally arrested the boy when he stopped at a bus stop. The police stated that he drove the bus very well and did not break any traffic laws (other then the whole driving without a license thing). This was the boy's second time stealing a bus and trying to run routes with it; he had tried stealing a taxi but passengers recognized that he was a fake by his good driving.


6. An escape artist in Key West, Florida (seriously Florida, what the heck?) was arrested for negligence. He jumped off a platform into some water while wearing a straightjacket. He was supposed to resurface without the straightjacket. He didn't resurface. Police and diver's searched the water for 3 hours without success. The magician was located the next morning in a hotel in Miami, happily celebrating pulling off the greatest trick of his life. Unfortunately, since several rescue workers hasd risked their lives to find him, he was charged and arrested. While he was able to escape from a straightjacket and get out of sight of the crowd without detection, he was unable to escape from a simple pair of handcuffs.