News for the Week

1. John Kerry has bought new shoes made out of chocolate. He got sick of eating the old leather ones every time he stuck his foot into his mouth. He made the decision to switch this past week after inadvertantly insulting over 600,000 heavily armed men- the US Marine Corp. Kerry was trying to make the point that education is important when he said "If you don't (make the most out of education), you get stuck in Iraq." Many people, especially Republicans and Marines, interpreted his remark as implying that soldiers are uneducated. The timing of his remark was most unfortunate as he had managed to not say anything stupid since the 2004 elections, which was the last time he made public comments.

2. A Jacksonville, Florida woman finally found something that duct tape is not good for- babysitting. She was arrested for taping her two sons, ages 2 and 3, to each other while she went to work. She is a naval officer who works (worked) at the Jacksonville Naval Air Station. She denied leaving the boys taped together all day. Kids these days. When I was a kid I never would have gotten away with escaping from day care and running home and tying myself and my little brother up with duct tape. I have a few little sisters I would like to try that on though.

3. A Florida (what's up with Florida?) police chief was fired for attempting to encourage his officers to get into shape. He said in a memo that the "jellie bellies" in the department needed to shape up (hey! I am in shape- round is a shape). One officer wrote an anonymous letter of complaint which resulted in the dismissal of the chief. The letter was difficult to read as the letters were made of cutouts from Little Debbie snacks and some of the words were covered with a mysterious creme filling.

4. A group of fat mice at a Washington research facility were able to live longer lives than their other fat rodent counterparts because their diet contained large amounts of red wine. The same study failed when it was run on a group of police officers in Florida; now they are fat and drunk.

5. A Florida 15 year old (something in the water down there?) was arrested after stealing a city bus and driving it along its route and collecting fares. He drove for about 12 miles and collected a few dollars before a suspicious passenger called 911. Police followed the bus for several miles and finally arrested the boy when he stopped at a bus stop. The police stated that he drove the bus very well and did not break any traffic laws (other then the whole driving without a license thing). This was the boy's second time stealing a bus and trying to run routes with it; he had tried stealing a taxi but passengers recognized that he was a fake by his good driving.


6. An escape artist in Key West, Florida (seriously Florida, what the heck?) was arrested for negligence. He jumped off a platform into some water while wearing a straightjacket. He was supposed to resurface without the straightjacket. He didn't resurface. Police and diver's searched the water for 3 hours without success. The magician was located the next morning in a hotel in Miami, happily celebrating pulling off the greatest trick of his life. Unfortunately, since several rescue workers hasd risked their lives to find him, he was charged and arrested. While he was able to escape from a straightjacket and get out of sight of the crowd without detection, he was unable to escape from a simple pair of handcuffs.